he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
