I could make wine with my vomit
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dating After Heartbreak
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..