Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick