You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.