gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.