I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?