I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
