I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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