is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
