I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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