I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So here I am, sexting at work.
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