I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
