the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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