It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
