i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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