My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
