So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
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This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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