I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
