also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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