Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
