I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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