A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
