Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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