jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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