it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We got so high we made milksteak
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
