I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
