Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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