i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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