She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
