Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
