she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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