If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
