maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer