I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.