I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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