I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
