why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
