11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
