I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
