I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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