He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
3 2 1 whiskey
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
