He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
