How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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