Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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