um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
