you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
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My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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