i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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