I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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