i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
