I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
