My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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