There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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