omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
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