Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
