I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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