I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me