A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes