i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
