i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
